Do You See What I See?

As Millie sat on the large machine yesterday, radioactive material bubbling through her body, we could watch the screen draw a picture of her bones. This was the fourth time we had gone through this, so I was used to seeing this picture of her cute frame on the monitor.

As usual, I got my camera out to take a picture of the screen.

My stomach knotted up immediately and I felt dizzy as I noticed some black spots in the long bones of her legs that I had not seen before. A dark spot means "greater uptake" of the radioactive material- meaning some greater blood activity in that region. We finished the scan with me now pacing nervously as we were directed to the waiting room while the doctor reviewed the scan. As I expected, we were asked for more X-rays. The technician took pictures of her pelvis, her knee, her right tibia, and left femur. I saw the order for the extra x-rays which stated "abnormal bone scan" as the reason for the x-rays.

I asked to speak to the doctor interpreting the X-Rays, but he wouldn't give me any information on what he saw. After shakily texting and then talking to Brian, Millie and I drove home.

Every scenario was swirling around me, a crushing feeling of falling apart- that I couldn't go through this again. The words of one oncologist, 7 months ago, saying "we have ONE chance to get this". Thinking of articles I've read on Ewings Sarcoma and how the quicker the relapse denotes the worse prognosis.

I went home and called our nurse case worker and paced the room. She couldn't give me any information since the oncologist was waiting to review the scans with the orthopedic surgeon.

I was getting more and more upset and wound up, and retreated to the bathroom to cry in a warm shower.

A few minutes later Brian popped his head in and told me "I talked to Marta (our nurse), and she has said the initial reactions from the surgeon and oncologist are positive" He stood there, hoping for me to smile. "They say that no red flags are raised by these pictures- that the "low to moderate" uptake levels could mean other things"

I exhaled- but still shook in tears, finished my shower, and crawled into bed. Later, Brian made me some homemade redbean soup that got me out of bed- but I went quickly back.

Today I take Millie to the Oncology clinic for a checkup and her monthly pendamadine infusion. I will ask many more questions of our doctor, of course. Tomorrow we have a full MRI in San Francisco, where each of these areas will be analyzed for possible tumor growth.

I can't really express my feelings well right now- but just hope for a positive outcome as we near Millie's 7th birthday.